Fighting for Unreasonable Hospitality

Vs. Giving Customers What They Deserve

The tension exploded as the milkshake soared through the air, its collision with the wall sending shockwaves through the staff.

I stood frozen in disbelief.

The scene was suddenly unfolding in slow motion —a woman across the counter unleashing a torrent of anger, her voice a symphony of frustration and indignation. Our general manager, standing in front of her, hands held up as if ready to surrender. 

As the chaos subsided and the woman stormed out, leaving behind a mess of torn business cards and scattered receipts, I couldn't shake the question: Why do we even do this?

Our society is plagued by a pervasive lack of empathy and care in our interactions with each other. 

I believe that the more we neglect to extend kindness and understanding to one another, the more animosity and frustration we sow. 

I can walk into places like my local movie theater where the young kid ringing me up for popcorn and candy is on their phone the entire time, never for a second lifting their eyes to speak to me. It shows me that the workforce involved in customer service has decided to withdraw and treat all customers with minimal interaction. You never know who might be a crazy milkshake lady. Why even bother? 

I was shocked to find recently a fellow hospitality professional and writer promoting this decision to embrace apathy and to denigrate customers. 

Adam Reiner, founder of the Restaurant Manifesto, argues for selective customer service based on perceived worthiness. Reacting to the book Unreasonable Hospitality by Will Guidara (the former owner of Eleven Madison Park), Reiner says he believes that employees shouldn’t have to deal with difficult customers – and they should focus only on those who deserve the service. 

“When guests’ expectations swell out of proportion….requires having to “turn people around” or “kill them with kindness” when they’re unhappy or underwhelmed. Pleasing unpleasant guests is viewed as a challenge by hospitality evangelists…but it can be fraught, and, in environments with rigid culture…staff often goes to great lengths to satisfy people that don’t deserve or appreciate it.” 

Adam’s perspective could not be more dangerous or wrong, but he’s right on one thing: customers don’t deserve it. 

The best do it despite what people deserve. 

When we judge others' worthiness of our care, we lose sight of the true essence of hospitality: making “outsiders feel like insiders”, as Brant Hansen aptly puts it. Hospitality is welcoming people to be a part of something regardless of who they are. We provide honor, dignity, and respect because they are human. 

We recently had a man show up at the restaurant who immediately muttered to the teenager at the front counter about how awful his parking experience had been. He was so frustrated he forgot to take items to his table, and stormed back up front blaming the employee. Then he pulled a team member over to complain about the time it was taking for his food to arrive. 

If we take the route of only giving great service to those who deserve it, the customer deserved nothing but the same cold frustration he was giving the team. Yet every step of the way each team member never rose to his level. They kept the energy of hospitality and wouldn’t allow external forces to change that. 

One of my leaders shared he was so concerned because as the food was coming out to the guest, we also had an internal event for Dads and Daughters launching and live music was about to begin. He was certain this customer would be furious his dinner was disrupted – instead, the customer’s entire demeanor changed as he realized the environment he was in and the people he was around. He gave a standing ovation for our live music performer and thanked the team for serving him that evening. 

But what about those moments when faced with the worst of humanity? When encounters turn hostile or discriminatory, it's tempting to retreat into complacency, to settle for mediocrity. Yet, it's precisely in these moments that the call to embrace discomfort becomes most urgent. These are difficult moments and require a leader who is far more conscious than accepting whether customers “deserve” or "don't deserve” care. 

Whether in hospitality or any other profession, the choice between comfort and discomfort is fundamental. Comfort may seem appealing, but it is merely a facade—a stagnant pool that breeds complacency and eventual decline. Discomfort, on the other hand, is the crucible of growth and transformation, where true flourishing occurs.

Yes, navigating unreasonable customers may test our resolve, but it's in these moments that our commitment to genuine hospitality is needed the most. It's about more than just serving food or providing a service; it's about extending empathy, understanding, and grace—even in the face of adversity. It’s not easy, and I’ve shared before my own fall and redemption story of hospitality. 

In the hands of poor leadership, unreasonable hospitality becomes just unreasonable, but in the hands of wise leaders who are willing to embrace discomfort, it becomes a powerful force for positive change. In discomfort and tension lies the path to true flourishing—for ourselves, our businesses, and the communities we serve.

I've come to realize that my insistence on excellence in service isn't zealotry; it's a commitment to fostering environments where dysfunction has no place. By selecting and hiring individuals who share this vision and capacity for care, we can align ourselves with a greater purpose and bring about meaningful change.

In the end, it's not just about providing excellent service; it's about creating spaces where honor, dignity, and respect reign supreme.

Even amidst curse words, complaints, and airborne milkshakes.

---

See Also:

Spiritual Visions of Waffle Fries

Thank you to

Mohammad Khan

for coming through on feedback on this piece in the 11th hour. Please subscribe to his Substack!